The Haunting

I am a total coward. I am easily frightened, still terribly worried about the dark, and deeply distrustful of things being under my bed or in my closet. I am a modern woman.

I do not help myself with my interest in true crime, but, like many a white man in this country, I refuse to be held accountable for my own actions. RALPH NORTHAM. Anyway all of this is to say, I’ve been scaring myself. This is long, and I thank you if you make it through any of it, but there is a wild Troll Doll drama at the end!

I did not sleep on Monday night because I think I am being haunted. I was in bed reading, then right around 10 I put up my book, put in my eye drops and ear plugs, turned off the lamp, and went to sleep. I was almost asleep when something so bright came on that I could see it through my eyelids (you know what I mean?). I opened my eyes and the LAMP WAS ON.

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Alan was frozen mid-step on the ground next to the bed staring at the lamp. I fiddled with the lamp trying to determine how it could have turned itself on, and could not figure it out. I also know that I did not leave the lamp on because I am a super dainty sleeper who cannot bear to have any light at all (I have electrical tape over anything that might blink or emit a glow), so I would have never been able to doze off right next to a lamp (I nap with an eye mask). After a while, Alan and I finally got the guts up to turn off the lamp and go back into the darkness. As soon I as I turned the lamp off, I saw that the closet light was on and the DOOR WAS AJAR.

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Not only would I have noticed the light on when I originally turned out the lights (DAINTY), but I NEVER leave my closet door open because that is how the monsters get in (I have verified that there is no dude hiding in there)!

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Alan is too lethargic to figure out how to open doors (he cannot even get a partially opened door to move much less manage a door knob), so I know it was not his doing. I was properly freaked out at this point and laid in bed with the lamp on for hours trying to calm down. I finally managed to doze off sometime around 4 am, but was awakened shortly after by Alan meowing relentlessly at the wall by the closet. He normally meows relentlessly near his food bowl, but he was at least 10 feet away and he staring at the wall. I could not find anything (like a bug or speck of anything) that could be disturbing him. He then jumped straight up and ran under the bed where he stayed until I got up for work. SO NOT BRAVE.

Image result for scared gifSo, at this point, I can only assume we are being haunted. But for what purpose!

When I was a youth, I woke up to a loud crash as a lamp on a table in front of a bedroom window had fallen and broken. I slept with my windows open (ALSO DAINTY ABOUT AIR FLOW), and I thought maybe there had been a strong breeze that had pushed the curtains so violently that they had knocked over the lamp. That made no sense because they were super light white gauzy curtains covered in butterflies, but it COULD have happened I guess. When I moved the curtains, I found that the screen to my window was GONE.

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I poked my head out (as one does when hoping to get murdered), and saw that a cup of shells that I had collected and kept on the windowsill had spilled on the ground outside. Instead of telling my parents, I went to sleep in the living room. I am still hiding from my problems to this day! The next morning, the screen was back on my window along with the cup of shells, BUT some of the shells were still on the ground outside! So I know it happened!!

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Instead of telling my parents, I told my Sunday school teacher who immediately assessed that this had occurred because I refused to get rid of my Trolls Dolls. I kid you not. Several churches in my town were hellbent on cleansing our fair city of the demonic scourge of the Troll Dolls because apparently SOMEWHERE SOMEONE had all of these terrible things happen in their house because of Troll Dolls (I am not making this up – Joby, I am sure you remember this!). And apparently the jewel belly button somehow made them even worse because it was a “direct pathway” for evil or some nonsense. Anyway, I kept my Trolls safely stored in a box in the closet and never mentioned it again until this week.

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OMG what if this most recent haunting is my comeuppance for defying the church with my Troll Doll collection????

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