Madam Mim

I have been especially not into exercising or eating healthy this year. I don’t know what the deal is, but my motivation has been at an all-time low which is really saying something. My issue with my toe gave me further reason to avoid exercising, then I felt blah from not exercising, so then I just lived in happy snack land. As usual.

I met with my podiatrist again about said toe and we agreed that running long distance is not in the cards for me in the near future, so I officially gave up on my half marathon in May. Ugh. I really want to run through the redwoods! And I know I could walk it, but doing that for 13 miles on a flat road just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun to me right now. I am also sincerely sad to think that running might be out of the picture for me on a more permanent basis. I’m avoiding dealing with that emotionally. That news happened early last week, and I realized that I really needed to get my shit together [again] and stop leaning into cookies to manage stress because it’s making me moody [moodier] and my skin is breaking out.

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Last week I managed to go to Orange Theory three times, then again on both Saturday and Sunday which felt like a small miracle. I have also gone twice this week, and I already feel mentally and physically better. It is ridiculous how little effort it takes to actually feel an improvement, yet I opt not to make that effort over and over again. I’ve been exercising once or twice per week for basically the past six months (maybe two years?), and that is not going to help me make progress anywhere.

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I have half a closet full of clothes that I love that are a size smaller than I am now, and I really just want to fit into them again. IT IS NOT THAT HARD, CELY. It’s not even like I’m trying to lose a significant amount of weight or anything. I’ve been carrying around an extra 10-15 pounds since I moved out here, and I just can’t be bothered to eat healthier and exercise consistently to deal with it. And I’m not trying to get down to some ridiculous size that is difficult to maintain, just down to the space I can sustain by having a mostly healthy lifestyle. I keep reminding myself that I am trying to live a more sustainable life, so I should not be buying more clothes. Therefore, MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO FIT INTO THE CLOTHES YOU ALREADY OWN. Now, I just have to focus on responsibly consuming the the five boxes of Girl Scout cookies I just received this week.

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Shout out to everyone who is feeling very Madam Mim these days. I feel like my life is an endless loop of wanting to be healthier, doing it, then stopping for insignificant reasons, feeling like garbage for a few months, then wanting to be healthy again. Why must cheese be so tasty and laying on the couch be so relaxing? I truly feel like the only time I’m able to calm down is when I’m flopped on the couch completely absorbed in a book or a TV show.

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